(Sung to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain")

I could work without the feeling
that I was double dealing,
when housework cards are played.
No more dirt, no more trashpiles.
I could delete all those old files,
if I only had a maid.

I could walk right down the hallway,
no stacks getting in my way,
no dustbunnies parade.
And my eyes would not be blinking
at the smell of something stinking,
if I only had a maid.

Oh I
would be so high
just knowing that the housework would get done.
Write webpages for free for everyone,
but still get paid,
to pay the maid.

I could concentrate on some things
that didn't involve tub rings
or if we need more Glade.
And my heart would be a-zooming
at the thought of no vacuuming,
if I only had a maid.

I would spend my idle hours
'neath trees near fields of flowers,
regaling in the shade.
I'd be calm. I'd be happy.
And my voice would not be snappy,
if I only had a maid.

Written by Jackie Helvey, December 2000.

2008 Update: Still no maid.

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